Cremation is a new feature. It’ll be an extra $2500 and comes with a decision engine on whether you should live or die (door unlocking). Tesla knows, trust Elon.
The cybertruck actually burns so hot it destroys your soul. No afterlife for you!
Well, see, that’s what you get for being a poor.
Solution is simple, you must buy the optional $700 Cyberhammer to bash out the glass (not a joke, there really is a cyber hammer for $700).
Elon’s got it all figured out, 8D chess losers
The funny part is, the doors have a manual release on the inside, Tesla owners are just too dumb to read the user manual.
The not funny part is, the ones in the back are deep inside the bottom of the door, there’s no possible way a child in a car seat could open the back door in an emergency.
Opening Doors with No Power https://share.google/NmVMGXKowzwXKUKxF
Is this a joke? Who is this for? The same people who live in the resident evil house?
Children are normally in the back of a vehicle, please tell us the secret door with a fucking rip cord in it is somehow normal and the cooked children where clearly a “skill issue”.
I have to say I am sick of having to give a safety briefing to passengers when they get a ride.
“If we crash and burn, the manual release is behind there” points
Why didnt they just put regular bloody handles on!?
Aesthetics
Sacrificing lives for aesthetics, pretty much sums it up and explains why this thing is not street legal in the civilised world.
Chevrolet had the same problem. Boomers baked to death in their Corvettes because the battery died.
I can’t fathom having my husband burn to death so badly that he’s just … evaporated. But then again I can’t imagine my husband ever wanting a cybercuck so there’s also that.
My wife and I are in need of a truck since we moved to a rural area and need one for stuff like trash disposal and whatnot. We’ve decided to get something practical like a hundai santafe or honda ridgeline
When we finally start eating the rich, we will have readily available fires to cook them over.
Wasnt there a maga dude that blew up his cybertruck in front of a hotel?
So much has happened last few years…
The Ford Pinto wishes it was this deadly…
I daily a Fiero and don’t think even at its worst point people burned inside trapped without handles.
I kinda love the Fiero tbh
Oh same, but they are not well built and the iron duke is shit. I have to have 3 of them to keep one on the road working. at least they are good on gas. One day I might do an EV conversion.
He says the trucks are “apocalypse-proof” and claims they can withstand bullets and have “armor glass” windows.
They also withstand emergency responders and the occupant’s attempts to escape.
Chances of you experiencing the apocalypse - Zero
Chances you will get trapped in an Cybercuck and be unable to get out - Not zero
And the apocalypse will have working charging stations.
Elon is building both the “apocalypse-proof” (they are not) truck and the apocalypse (he really is)
When they say “apocalypse-proof”, what they actually mean is that the pedestrians outside are protected from the localised internal apocalypse occurring within the vehicle.
Let’s face face it. The most likely apocalypse is an economic crash brought on by the kind of crop of idiots. Not sure how a car is going to help with that.
cybertruck is a built in crematorium and Coffin at the same time,elon makes nazi impressed.
😬
Sounds like a great way to fake your death. The only problem is that everyone will think you died driving a Tesla.
you’re right. no one would believe that
Good point. Back to the drawing board.
See, there’s your problem. No one’s going to believe a drawing board disappeared a body.
Ehhh, you’d be surprised what the modern drawing board can do.
It… also costs
100kEdit: sorry, sorry, 70k — much better
I mean if you’re faking your death I don’t think you’re planning on paying off the loan
Yeah, I guess that’s true
Or dispose of evidence.
Fires that entrap passengers are a well-documented and recurring problem with every model in Tesla’s lineup of vehicles, but Cybertrucks appear to have a disproportionate number of known deaths. Safety experts have told the Guardian that the truck’s unique design amplifies the deadly issue. The vehicles come with high-density laminated windows that are harder to break than regular car windows, making escape and rescue difficult when doors won’t unlock. And the trucks are built with materials not commonly used in the industry, like stainless steel, which can complicate the work of emergency responders. The Cybertruck is also the first Tesla model to entirely eliminate door handles on the outside of the vehicle.
First, “unique” design? It’s an ugly callback to the wedge-shaped cars of the 80s. It looks like a DeLorean model that refused to render properly, and the dev just went with it.
Second, the decision to exclude door handles is fucking mental. It’s a mundane feature that cars have had since the Model T. If they wanted to make a pickup, its handles should resemble those found on a typical pickup. If it’s “aesthetics” they’re after (which shouldn’t matter when it comes to a pickup), some of the best looking cars have had no problem including door handles into its design.
looks like a DeLorean
It is a “Deplorean”
The reason to eliminate door handles that Tesla and others typically give is aerodynamic efficiency. Granted there are other bigger aerodynamic problems. gestures at the rest of the fucking truck
aerodynamic efficiency
For internal door handles?
I was thinking of the external ones which aren’t default exposed
I thought they did have internal door handles but they’re hidden away. The problem is often they’re difficult to get to even when the car is completely intact.
When it comes to driving a self-propelled crematorium, I’d primarily be concerned about the internal door handles.
That’s just nonsense justification they came up with after the fact. Ferraris have door handles, so clearly they’re not much of an issue.
Anyway the car isn’t going to exceed 80 miles an hour anyways so aerodynamics barely comes into it.
Fires that entrap passengers are a well-documented and recurring problem with every model in Tesla’s lineup of vehicles
How is this a perfectly valid statement about the worlds richest man’s car company without us beating him to death with hammers/ seeing how many of those baseball sized steel balls he can handle?
deleted by creator
“Unique” here refers to the fact that every other car is built pretty much the same way in as much first responders are concerned, and that makes them predictable and fairly easy to get out of while cybertrucks are strong enough and door-handleless enough to be incredibly dangerous(while also not being strong enough to do most of what they promise).
It looks like a DeLorean model that refused to render properly
Lmao
A true Tesla them, no?
The Tesla Crematoria
+$599 Tesla Seatbottom Urn available in 2 colors.
Don’t Teslas have the highest crash fatality stats on the road or something? Terrible company.
Cybertrucks are 17 times more likely to kill you in a fiery way than the Ford Pinto, the previous record holder.
https://www.motherjones.com/politics/2025/02/report-cybertruck-safety-ford-pinto/
I’m not in any way trying to downplay how bad the cyber-dumpster is, but is that an adequate sample size to extrapolate the fiery-death rate? The article says 17 times the rate of the Pinto, but it was only 5 total fires.
I mean they made millions of Pintos so yeah
Different person, but the Pinto controversy was overblown. Media hype made it an issue when it had similar incident rates with other vehicles at the time.
Ford Pinto - Wikipedia https://share.google/A9xMle5N02j1gPmCl
The biggest issue with the Pinto was not the Pinto itself, it was how Ford discussed the potential issues with it internally. It was their very well documented preference for money over protecting human life that caused the controversy.
We know this really happens all the time, at all companies and in all industries, but Ford was punished for saying the quiet part out loud (amongst themselves) and getting caught doing it. We are all supposed to at least put on a show of human lives being more important than money, and Ford failed to put on the show, and for that they were punished.
We still don’t care about human life, but at least we all felt better about it afterwards.
There’s an episode of Swindled all about how Ford knew this was a flaw and allowed it to happen so that they could compete in the lower end market.
huh, TIL. Thanks!
So it’s just 17 times more likely to burn you to death than average cars.
Average car of the 1970s.
With 'murican healthcare prices the fatality rate is a feature.
You even get a free cremation. Saves time and money!
But maybe they have the lowest crash rate?
So like, crashes cost money right? Someone is responsible. Someone has to pay.
But if everyone dies in an inferno, then nobody is responsible. Who can pay? They’re all dead! What medical bills? What repairs? It’s all a write off.
Sounds like a high mortality rate with low accident rate is an absolute profitable win! Free market baby!According to the article they have higher crash rates and fatalities because the drivers are worse. The cars themselves actually rate fairly high in safety standards.
That being said, I think the safety evaluations are flawed and don’t consider things like electronic locks.
