after a busy last week things have calmed down significantly; about to finish a 900 page book in three days, which is quite an accomplishment
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Awful. Black Friday, Cyber Monday, and the usual shit that comes with working retail during the holidays. I’m never home anymore. I’m always at work. I’m always trying to fill orders with equipment that doesn’t work, in back rooms stuffed so full of pallets I can’t reach the product I need, with deadlines I can’t hit.
After I walked away from my friend group I stayed in touch with my best friend, and things were nice and it was a breath of fresh air at first, but now we fight all the time. He keeps going “I can’t keep doing this”, but I don’t know what he wants me to do. I feel like he engineers these impossible conversations where anything I could possibly say turns out to be wrong. If I point out that he’s contradicting himself, he gets upset because I know he has memory issues so I shouldn’t expect him to know what he told me last time. But he’s still allowed to get mad at me for doing what he asked…
He kept saying things about me that straight up weren’t true, not subjective, and didn’t acknowledge it when I told him he was wrong. I’m pretty sure I caught him trying to gaslight me right after I thought we made up.
I loathe everyone I know at this point. I know I need to give up on friends, but that just leaves me with my family, a bunch of homophobic leeches. My fucking father asked me for a DNA test on Thanksgiving. He could have asked decades ago, but he only decided now because he’s running out of excuses to fight with mom. All anyone ever wants to do is fight and tear other people down.
I need to learn how to stop feeling lonely without turning to other people. All they do is upset me.
Sounds like me from years ago.
I turned a bit towards doing civil disobedience. Which is—doing my own thing for myself rather than aiding anyone. To be honest, life was shit when I chose this because everyone around tried to make life shit even more for me. But it just turned out it was because how much they needed me while treating me like the most useless thing ever. And needed things to go back to the way it was, which was make use as well as abuse.
It will be shit but a way out of this seems to just be to ‘no’ anybody. To be genuine and if people are around, let them be. Oddly I do not do friends now, but have more people who are friendly than I could have had when I was in my previous situation.
Try looking for a non-essential job is my suggestion (retail labour is essential for the very people hurting you). Something in the arts was something you were already doing it seems (I saw the digital artist comment) so something which respects you a bit more than posting on those spaces would be fitting. Not quite what depends on the whims of other people. It is not exactly easy, yes, it is very tricky rather… it is easy to make many mistakes. But if you provide what is scarce (you’ll know when you see anyone asking if any such thing or resource exists on the internet anywhere and the answer is no, usually asked by people who do not have access to the more costly things in life), if you provide that while trying to figure out your thing, you’re more likely to get thank you’s rather than abuse. Especially when you provide more value than you ask for in return for it (in current market terms), and remain aware of the situation of the particular market you decide to engage in. Then, depending on your understanding of the situation, you could either continue or adapt your methods in the future.
I can’t say I haven’t felt desperate… but I feel at this moment I’ve already broken up the biggest problems which were persistently around me (in a permanent manner). An important thing to understand is malicious people usually rely on you, yourself, giving them a helping hand in them hurting you, so be aware of where and when you could possibly have been making it easier for them to be horrible to you without noticing it.
There are no jobs in my area besides factory work that will pay me as much as Walmart. I doubt I could even make pennies off art, it’s all being replaced by AI.
I agree about not having friends anymore. I’ve always craved human connection but I’m going to get over it.
I did the same. However, when I started paying attention solely to my own thing after choosing not to put any effort into seeking friendship, I became better perceiving of what is a good friend. Right now I can’t say I’ve got ‘friends’ and I do not seek out people with common attributes, but people who share some attributes with me (even the slightest) do chat for a bit. People who do not find it acceptable to personally harm others actively or passively for their own gain usually stick around and have a casual chat here and there—even when these persons and I are usually focusing on our own lives, sometimes time is just made for a casual chat. Usually wholesome stuff, nothing forced. Usually in the past, ‘friends’ had boundaries set so they didn’t hurt the other, yet usually things did get ugly very often. That pretty much didn’t happen now even without any such boundaries. It took some years of not conversing with others and wholly immersing myself in my own personal activities and development, but it got there.
For me as well, employment has been a problem because being from a bad family, I was stressed out all the time and that looked bad from an employability point of view. So I developed strength in a few fields which I never had before. Getting myself to a state where I could surpass the quality of the ‘mainstream’ by don’t with my own hands, not being dependent on resources, I was then greeted by regulation whose unspoken purpose seems to be the one thing it achieves—break the ability for solo business persons from doing what they can. You’re forced to be an employee. Now I can say that while my grades were decent, my ability was child-like compared to my ability now. Including practical ability, or rather especially, and having good technical ability as well helps this. I can say that the decisions and the abilities of those who perform a number of corporate duties made me scoff. I’ve basically fixed every problem I had which denied me proper employment before as well. All this, but I am not fit to be employed for reasons I know too well. So I’m doubling down on doing my own thing, releasing it digitally for free (and having few restrictions so that others can integrate my work into their own without worry) and relying on an appreciation model (what people call donations). Now, this is a model whoch doesn’t usually do well in the rare times when it doesn’t just fail, but that is usually because it is basically put out there and there is hope people will like it and spend on it (a bit more complex and more steps). My method will be a bit different—it will also not have paid exclusive content, which is a slightly fanous method.
You could try something I did, but I can only warn you that my method was very extreme. However, when I had no option and no chance in life from any choice, this thing opened up and broke that situation completely. Talent is nothing born from birth, it is just strength. Strength is only the ability to do things better with your own ability rather than with vhelp or tools, nothing more than that. Power is the tool which stops and drains any strength you have. Choose to have no power over anyone, and not to let anyone have pkwer over you as well. When you make decisions which are not one of a coward, one of an evil person, you feel pain. A pain which people resort to all sorts of things to escape. The pain is nothing but of the mind and body getting stronger—the body, bones included, literally rearranges and fixes any issues to get to stronger form. Accept the understand it till it subsides. I dif this process of pain for years till many health problems badically fixed themselves on their own, because the body is capable of that if you let it. Improving the kind and body in strength was improving the ability to do things—to improve skill. To assign talent to myself that I never posssessed, and to have no limit in how many things I can be talented in. Of course, the learning still needs to be done but its achieved at the pace of someone who is ‘naturally talented’ for a task. When your ability surpasses most, selling your thing will still be a problem due to the market and world structure, but it won’t be impossible with effort. As I stated… the method I used was extreme, and was even more painful because I was learning as I went along with it. I formed the steps from painful experience. Maybe it could help.
Edit: An important part of this is knowing what power is. Power is making others do what you want them to do, and even telling others what they should do. So this method cannot be used without practically forgetting the concept of should. Many will disagree with it… but since I started it, my intolerance of people who want to harm others has only increased; my ability to deal with them has improved. The key is it is difficult at first to not make others do things that they don’t want to, while not letting them to force you to do things yku do not want to without having power over them. And there’s a lot more to figure out before you’ll be able to fix many problems that seem to be a big nuisance to most.
I have too much on at the moment but there isn’t a stop button to get off this wild ride, so just trying to get through it. I have some stuff to do for a mates website, bags to fix for work, quotes to sort for toy library, and then a big personal project I want to get going in the new year. There just isn’t enough time in a day to get everything done
Update: i finished the bags, I’m getting somewhere on the website, and I just finished a brilliant movie called Memoir of a Snail. On to the quotes 🏃🏼♀️➡️
Keep it up brother
Long update ._.
I got the internship offer! ✧◝(⁰▿⁰)◜✧ One step towards my dream career! I haven’t processed it yet. I haven’t processed any festive vibes, either.
I blame this lack of processing on the semester being a train wreck. Last school year was like a bus hit me. This year…train.
Drama! ಥ_ಥ Burnout! ( ꒦ິ◡꒦ີ) Homework hell! ತ_ತ Long class hours! (☍◡⁰) No money or work! ¯_(ツ)_/¯
As always, whenever I reminisce on my growth (pains), there’s a heavy amount of regret and gratitude for those grueling moments. I can’t believe this period of my life is almost over. And now I’m moving on to the next phase of my life, building my career.
It’s funny… A few years back, I would never have thought I’d make it this far. I didn’t think I had a future. I couldn’t imagine one. And yet I made a choice to go to uni— and everything slowly but surely began to change in my life for the better. Just because I kept… trying to make better choices for myself once I found a safer environment to be in.
I mean it was hard. Becoming a board officer for a volunteering club, getting into my program, reviving another club and becoming president, working when I could, finding my own projects outside of the program to work on… In these moments where I often felt like I was dying, it looks like I was actually living lol. Does that make sense?
(Anyways, enough with the sentimental stuff. Though it’s warm and fuzzy.)
My winter break doesn’t seem like much of a break, so I’m somewhat concerned.
- the student union implemented a new funding process in which all clubs need to know their funding needs throughout the entirety of next semester. They told us this just a few days ago. Do they seriously expect us to plan out each event and to properly predict things far in advance? And during school break? Honestly, they probably spent all their funding this semester .-. but this…is not a smart solution.
- I’ll be studying html/css for my internship as a just in case. It’s a very interdisciplinary job (which I love ⌯’▾’⌯). But it’s mainly about using Figma and prototyping.
- gotta catch up on my Figma learning and practice making UI components!
- need to work with a developer on a website redesign for a nonprofit!
- will be working on an MFA full res and low res ad campaign.
But… There should be room to have fun in all that, right? ( ᵒ ᵕ ᵒ ) I wanna hang out with a friend and good god I need a break.
Do they need you to know exactly how you’re going to spend your money or just a prediction? When I was in school, student orgs had to apply for their funding every year based on what they spent the previous year and their predicted budget for the following year, but there was wiggle room for spending as long it was kept within certain budget categories, etc. It’s pretty shitty that was sprung on you last minute though.
We got another email clarifying the situation, and they state to submit “anticipated funding requests.” I’m just skeptical because I know the student union can be messy, and my club is fairly new. I’m sure it’ll be fine, it’s just… pretty abrupt. I also just feel pretty tuckered out, so I’m complaining. (ᵒ ᵕ ᵒ٥)ゞ
Turns out they did spend all their money from this semester. ._. I can’t exactly blame them on that though. I’ve heard there have been more budget cuts.
I started a bike fabrication company with my friend. We’re about to move into our new shop space. No idea if this is going to work out but we both agree that we’d rather fail than wonder if we could’ve pulled it off.
As a bike commuter since 2010ish fuck yeah boys
Yeah I’m pumped and also terrified. My friend (I guess business partner now) and I are currently making a bunch of plans and I just keep remembering the Mike Tyson quote: “everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth”.
My 2 cents: that planning is key, having a plan B, and also have mapped out what your absolute minimum that you need to keep going. Xcel is your friend.
My industry is apart from yours, but I’ve been through some shit (opening restaurants as well as opening our own 4 months before COVID hit). Feel free to DM me. Good luck!
Thanks. We’ve been making spreadsheets already to try to figure out costs, potential profits, pricing, etc.
Weirdly enough, the ultimate backup plan is to make jewelry since a lot of the tools for making brazed steel bikes is the same as for working on jewelry. My friend and I have dabbled in jewelry as a hobby so we figure we can at least make the shop rental pay for itself with some jewelry sales if the bike business is a total flop. We definitely want to make the bike thing work though.
That’s so cool, best of luck to you!
Far to much happening like every December, though not much worth writing about.
Most noteworthy accomplishment so far: when we drop small stuff to the floor in the kitchen, we can now yell HOUSEKEEPING and our dogs will come and clean it up. There’s no way this is not the greatest dog trick ever.
I spent a few hours yesterday formatting an exam to send to the exam centre of my school.
Everything was set up just right. It only took 5 minutes. Clearly, I was wrong. Because the exam thing doesn’t accept PDF! Only Word files.
No problem. Turns out I already had multiple ways to convert the file (the
ebook-converttool from calibre worked really well).There. That was another 2 minutes. So, I went back to upload.
There is a size limit. Of course there is a size limit!
Now I have to go through the exam and “compress” the images I spent the last week preparing to get the file size down to 2.5 MB. That took a few minutes.
Then I had to manually enter every corrector and the number of groups they correct. There are 23 correctors with different numbers of groups.
Then I needed to manually enter the address of these people.
You see how this is adding up?
It is the slowest thing in the world too.
It was all set up when I got a message, at 8PM, telling me the exam would be on our online test thing and not printed!
Back to the starting block.
…
Finally got it done after 4 hours!
And now we get to do it again for a different exam!
Prerty good, I just got to update my EV preorder with color choice and drivetrain options. The top trim level is at the price the initial announcement I pre-ordered at said! They added less expensive options instead of pulling shenanigans with the advetised price being the most basic base model possible with no range and all the incentives ever stacked on top.
Which EV? I am always super stoked about what’s next in the EV world. I hope the International Scout actually makes it to market.
Telo MT1. Hopefully I get mine sometime in 2026.
Very cool! Reminds me a little of the Canoos. Too bad those never made it to production
Life keeps happening and it feels so fast.
Went to another queer party, this time it was at an arcade with board games. A friend I made at an earlier queer party showed up with another friend and I got to hang out with them. She had two of my favourite things and since I have an all or nothing style of impulse control, I had a hard time saying no to mdma and mushrooms. I definitely had a great time.
For a brief moment when I was talking to someone else, I was made aware of the fact that I’m a not so queer person in a queer space. After a few questions from her, she came to understand how and why I ended up in such a space. She was understanding and accepting which was nice and she opened up a bit about herself too after finding out I was just there to meet new people and make friends.
That night I also got to share a local project idea I’m working on and I was quite surprised with the reactions. My friend asked me one question to confirm what my idea as a whole was before offering to help in any way she can. The other person I was talking to just said “do it” after reading only a part of my idea, it appears she’s doing similar work to what I want to do. I’m not used to people being so quick to support an idea of mine without negative perspectives, doubts or fears from their personal insecurities that aren’t related to my idea. It was a bit scary but it felt really nice too. I’m meeting up with my friend again this week to talk about it again and she seems very eager to know more which is quite exciting :)
With all the experiences I’ve had since 2020, it feels like the few people I can make honest friendships with are queer women, autistic women or queer autistic women. I’m trying not to question it too much because it makes very little sense to me but I’m rolling with it anyways. They are some of the few people who seem to simply accept me as who I am without question and I absolutely appreciate that. I enjoy being able to be myself without the unnecessary judgement from the labels that most people seem to apply to me before they ever get to know me.
Life is strange. Wish it would slow down just a bit but that’s not what the future has planned.
Pretty good. I set my Monero node up as a tor hidden service so i dont have to deal with dynamic DNS
I’ve definitely had a kinda emotional week (in a good way). My dad that I thought would never speak to me again sat down and wanted to just ask questions and talk with me, which was weird since all he’s ever done was yell at me and put me down since I was a kid, but this felt like an actual, normal conversation, for once. Basically I’m pretty sure he’s just finally accepted me, and that feels pretty nice.
I also finally finished setting up the replacement PC for the one that died a month ago; Gotta say I’m surprised with how easy it is to just run games on Linux now. Things just work.
And I learned over the last weekend that a whole bunch of people on my mom’s side of the family are super supportive, which I really wasn’t expecting!
(Also thanks for reminding me I need to take more time to just sit down, relax and read)
I’m very happy for you.
Whatever you’re going through, your family needs time also to adjust. Good for you either way and I hope the communication stays positive!!!
I’m finishing up the year, and about to start what is essentially my final year of school. Planning my schedule, getting in gear to apply for the residency match (first job/otj training after you finish medical school). I am doing a lot of bouncing between excited and nervous, so I’m doing a lot of work trying to be mindful and in touch with my mood, as stressful as the holidays already are.
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