Staff of the Federal Emergency Management Agency were left baffled on Monday after the head of the U.S. disaster agency said during a briefing that he had not been aware the country has a hurricane season, according to four sources familiar with the situation.
The U.S. hurricane season officially began on Sunday and lasts through November. The National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration forecast last week that this year’s season is expected to bring as many as 10 hurricanes.
The remark was made by David Richardson, who has led FEMA since early May. It was not clear to staff whether he meant it literally, as a joke, or in some other context.
The Onion just hits different after this shitshow.
Let me say this plainly: hurricane season isn’t real. The so-called “season” is just an arbitrary window created by meteorological elites to justify their bloated radar budgets and keep the Weather Channel relevant.
Think about it. Why do hurricanes only happen when they say they will? Suspicious. Real weather doesn’t follow schedules. Tornadoes don’t clock in and out like they’re working one of those union “jobs”. But somehow hurricanes all conveniently “form” during the same five-month stretch? That’s not nature, that’s narrative.
I checked NOAA’s hurricane forecast and guess what? They’re always “above average.” Every year. If everything is “above average,” then your average is just a lie. That’s basic math. Wake up!
And have you ever seen a hurricane? Not on TV. Not on “satellite images” (which are just more made up computer pictures). I mean with your own eyes. You haven’t. You were told to evacuate. They told you to leave. So you leave, and when you come back, they say, “Oh, it hit. It was devastating.” And your shed is gone. Just the shed. Not the house. Not the mailbox. The shed. Interesting.
And why is it always Florida? Why is it always Louisiana? Is it because those are coastal areas? Or is it because they’re close to the weather machine off the coast of Cuba? Don’t roll your eyes. There’s a patent. Google “ionospheric heater” and open your third eye.
And how is a swirling mass of clouds over the ocean “tracking” toward land like a guided missile unless it’s being guided? These hurricanes have suspiciously good aim for things that are “random”.
You don’t need sandbags. You need answers.
You don’t need FEMA. You need freedom.
Wait, I thought the Democrats were sending the hurricanes? I’ve shot at quite a few of them from my deck, and the way they avoid my bullets seems to be a weaselly Democratic trait that I’m sure they’ve built into these hurricanes.
Of course, that’s the only weather that can be controlled precisely, because all other weather, and indeed, even climate, is a completely natural phenomenon that humans could have no effect on whatsoever.
Too close to a real response for me to upvote in good conscience. 😩
That’s some advanced fuckin sarcasm right there
I was halfway in the second paragraph before I realised.
I don’t know if that says something about me, or something about the world as it stands…
Had to check I wasn’t somehow subscribed to conspiracy community.
This has to be the most indepth copy-pasta I’ve seen lately. Well done.
I didn’t copy nothin!
But thanks :)
but we will
Freshly boiled pasta is the best kind.
I boil mine straight in my morning coffee
What’s it from? Because Poe’s Law…
Dude said it’s original.
I’m going to rule 34 the fuck out of this original material.
And have you ever seen a hurricane? Not on TV. Not on “satellite images” (which are just more made up computer pictures). I mean with your own eyes.
Indeed I have.
Hurricanes, nor’easters, the occasional derecho… a few tornados have been too close for comfort but nothing I could see. Have heard the freight train sound though.
Personally I blame those weird domes made of triangles. They’re definitely causing the weather. cocks shotgun
Tornado sirens? Time to open your front door, step outside, and stare up at the storm
Eh, unless the sky is green, you’re probably fine.
Doesn’t really stop anyone in my experience.
I’m uncomfortable with how dependent I’ve become on the /s. It took a deep dive in the comment history to know if this needed one. Wow.
yeah cause the / is the laser and rationality is the s in that letterpicture
deleted by creator
Wow, that is well done.
10/10 as an actual Floridian. Those storms I lived through were made by Godzillas from the FPL reactor on Hutchinson Island.
And honestly, if a hurricane even comes, just blast it with your AR like a red blooded American.
Your username makes this perfect. Great job, a perfect 5/7.
Question, question from the Press:
If the hurricanes are caused by Jewish Space Lasers, and we fund massive amounts of Israeli military weapons development programs…
… why do we not simply ask the Israelis to point the hurricane lasers at Gaza, instead?
…
(Fucking hyper-omega level /s)
I’ll tell you why, chemtrails.
Don’t wanna burn them away?
All we need is a calendar and a sharpie and hurricane season can be whatever we want it to be.
And if that plan fails, we can always nuke them.
How can our hurricanes be real If our eyes aren’t real
And why do these “hurricanes” always avoid crossing the equater, as if they’re somehow innately aware of the one word I can’t spell?
Equator more like equitt your gotdamnt lies Mr Obama Hussein Soros.
I feel like maybe he might not be qualified for the position. Maybe.
So a perfect Trump appointee.
MAGA was right about DEI hires all along. Just sucks they only apply t negative connotations to DEI for women and people of color. Whites can’t possibly be DEI!
Their racism is exhausting.
That’s the point.
It’s a lot easier to get away with stealing millions when you have a well known idiot to blame.
gg ff
Cascadia Now
“So… Who issues the hunting permits for hurricane season?! Where can I get one!? Gosh I feel so silly as the head of FEMA for not knowing we hunt hurricanes! Lord Emperor Trump was actually hunting hurricanes when he suggested nuking them! Wow!”
Anyone else get the feeling this is more sanewashing by Reuters? I think it’s less likely that the staff was actually “baffled” and more likely that somebody didn’t want the news to print that they were “irate,” “exasperated,” “dismayed,” or something like that instead.
I wouldn’t be surprised if Neo-FEMA ends up nuking the 'canes, with the most radioactive warheads possible.
"Biden’s fault"TM
Brownie, you’re doing a heckuva job
Hey does anyone remember when Blackwater deputized themselves and gave themselves authority to deploy to New Orleans after Katrina, to shoot ‘suspected looters’ and confiscate guns from American citizens without any specific legal authority to do so?
https://www.motherjones.com/environment/2009/08/secret-history-hurricane-katrina/
Doesn’t Trump live in hurricane alley? Shouldn’t he want to know when a hurricane is gonna happen, and be able to clean up bis property that gets wrecked? These fucking bozos…
