I had a wonderful combination of “strict” but also “there aren’t actually rules.”
I could have handled even unreasonable expectations if they had been communicated. But there was no structure at all.
I could ask permission to do something, do it, and then have that permission retroactively revoked. I could have an entirely normal day without anything seeming off, then be grounded for a week because there were dishes in the sink or something.
It never made any sense.
There’s a difference between strict and abusive.
I once cut a small artery above my left elbow right before I left work (We were young and just fucking around) Cant remember my exact age, probably late 16 early 17. I took my undershirt off and tied it around my arm to try to slow the bleeding while I drove home. The blood goes threw the shirt, and is all over the inside car door, seatbelt and created a puddle on my pants in the creases because they were those Dickies work pants that are water resistant. When I got out of the car I heard the blood splat on the ground so I figured it was to much. Went inside tied yarn tightly above it and wrapped an old shirt again around it to replace that one as I didn’t have any superglue. I spent the hours of 330am-630am crawling in circles around the house with 2 bottles of resolve, paper towels and wet rags in a bucket trying to clean blood drops off the carpets and floors from when I walked in. The entire time dropping more blood in a near endless cleanup chain with only one thought on my mind. My mother is going to fucking kill me for getting blood on her carpets. At 630 (they open at 7), dizzy as all get out from lack of sleep and blood loss I got back in my car to drive to the clinic just hoping no one pulled me over or I passed out driving. I got there with a blood soaked rag wrapped around my arm and the lady handed me a 2 page clipboard to fill out and I remember staring at her with an expression that clearly said, can’t I fill this out while he stitches my arm? Of course not, so 5 minutes later I hand her a clip board mostly free of blood and paperwork that says I have no insurance.
The clinic doctor was great. Told him I had no insurance and couldn’t afford anesthetic and asked if he could just do it without. He cleaned it a bit, poked me with a needle of some kind and put in 7 or so stitches. Then marked it down as a consult or something, so I wasn’t charged with any of the items he needed/used. (Like $40 for the visit)
I’ll always remember that guy. Moral/point of the story though… If you are less afraid of bleeding to death than you are to ask your parents for help, your parents might be abusive as opposed to strict.
That’s a perfect example of where it isn’t strict, it’s abuse. Or at least right on the border.
Also, damn. I’m sorry you went through that. I’m just glad you found a doc that handled things right.
That is nowhere near the border. If your kid rather bleeds out than facing you because they got some blood on the carpet you’re far in abusive territory
This post is starting to make me think people say “strict” strictly as a euphemism.
What I think it means: The parents never bend the rules for their kids.
What it apparently means: The parents have anger problems.
The problem is it’s often difficult to admit you had abusive parents, and abusive parents love to describe themselves as just strict. So yeah it’s kinda a euphemism
Oof, that’s a sobering realization.
Yeah. And a lot of parental abuse happens in gray areas and with good intentions. Sure you have obvious cases, and they’re common enough I’d suspect most people know someone or another who was a victim to one. But there’s a hell of a lot of parents projecting their fears, traumas, or other issues relating to their kids onto them hard enough to fuck them up.
Yeah, it’s a thing. Word usage varies. One range of the various usages of strict is adhering to, or enforcing adherence to, a set of rules. It can also mean that part of “strict” is enforcing discipline to maintain those rules.
Taken to its extreme, it edges into authoritarian behaviors. But the usual, more typical usage would be far less extreme.
As an example, ever hear of a strict vegetarian? That just means that don’t deviate from the diet. That’s it.
The problem comes in when the usage of it as unnecessary, arbitrary, and cruel enforcement of rules for their own sake takes over. There are plenty of abusive people that would call themselves strict, despite violating boundaries and social mores in the process, which means they’re just pretending.
But there is a difference between a kid being tightly supervised and abuse. There’s an even bigger difference for having expectations for a kid’s behavior and activity and abuse. Both of those are strict, but not abuse.
The key to that difference is usually in how boundaries are handled. You also get different outcomes, and if the methodology being used isn’t adjusted to the individual kid, it’s often going to feel abusive no matter what the intent is.
Not all kids are going to respond the same way to any parenting methodology. Twins can even respond differently. So you absolutely have to be ready to adjust what you’re strict about and how that’s applied if you want to stay in line with the right balance of structure, support, and freedom. What one kid thrives with, the next may utterly reject and be harmed in the attempt.
Both are dumb as shit
Strict is bad enough.
Strict is only “bad” when the structure is bad.
Being strict about not playing with fire is a good thing. Being strict about never going near a campfire is, at best neutral, and could be bad when taken to an extreme. Being strict about never going camping is bad.
Strict only means keeping rules in place. It doesn’t mean you can’t be flexible, that you can’t adjust rules as the kid ages and matures. It definitely doesn’t mean the rules have to be arbitrary and can’t be explained and discussed.
You think being strict about a kid not using racial slurs is a bad thing?
Or making them see a doctor regularly and as needed?
Or that they bathe?
The list of things that can’t be negotiable is very long if you go into detail.
The list of things that can’t be negotiable at a given level of age and maturity isn’t short either.
Strict doesn’t have to be done badly at all. It’s just that uncompromising strictness is the opposite end of a slider from utter laissez faire. Which has just as many flaws.
There’s a reason that authoritative is the usual recommended goal; it’s being strict when necessary, and loose when not. But “strict” is part of that. Strict is making sure that there’s a reliable structure a kid can build a foundation of self on. It’s the walls of the sandbox and the sheet of material under out that keeps weeds from poking through.
The sandbox of development is the freedom to play within those boundaries. It doesn’t have to mean all noes, or all have tos.
Strict is, “you’ll do your homework because it’s part of the process of learning. When do you want to do it, and what can I do to help?”
Abusive is “you’ll do your homework or I’ll beat your ass”, and then beating their ass as the first and only option.
Being strict with a few select things is fine. Being a strict parent is not. That means being strict with everything.
Well, no, it doesn’t mean that. That is one meaning out of a solid eight or nine, depending on what dictionary you use.
Also, seems like you’re being pretty strict about what it and isn’t strict. If you’re that inflexible about that, what else are you inflexible about?
There is a difference between strict and abusive.
That’s literally what I said originally
Btw, is there any laws against pissing on a grave, just wanna prepare for when my parents die.
Only if you get caught.
If it is your own parents grave I’m fairly certain you can claim you were mourning and had to go
What is strict? When I was a kid that was a wooden spoon or a belt. Across the backside or hands. As well as a long list of chores. The strap still hung on the wall of the principal’s office at school as a warning but didn’t get used anymore. Mostly suspensions and expulsions were the flavor of the day.
I got called a strict parent on Lemmy not so long ago because we limit screen time in our house to an hour a day with some exceptions. Our kids walk to town alone at 10 years old though (2 km one way) and have the knowledge and awareness to manage on their own. We trust them and they in turn make mostly good choices. They are kids after all.
Also, strict doesn’t necessarily equal bad in the first place
Is it unusual for 10 year old kids to walk around alone where you are from? Its quite old to just atart with that here. Many kids go to school alone from first grade onwards.
Yes It’s unusual for parents to allow their ten year old kids to walk that far alone in our rural area and spend hours away unsupervised in a busy tourist town. It never used to be but the influence of American society via tv radio movies and more inundating people in Canada every day has certainly changed opinions like this. We got phone calls when they were little playing outside in the yard on their own. A coyote was going to eat them. Now we get calls that someone will kidnap them. It’s rather ridiculous. There have been decades of cop shows and news reports telling folks people are bad. Now they really believe that.
Thats so sad
Perfect training for a lifetime of unfulfilling work for insecure bosses!
Ok but tbf those are all great skills to have
Our parents used to lock up the TV, their room, and food. Guess who got really good at breaking into things and making it look like anything was amiss
Add subterfuge and sneaking and it’s ninja training
office work skills
The most important office skill was taught by George Costanza: look angry and people will think you’re busy working hard.
I found out at a previous position that the best way to get my work done was to be short with people. In that case they wouldn’t bother me, and I had more time to do my work.
I found out at a previous position that the best way to get my work done was to be short with people. In that case they wouldn’t bother me, and I had more time to
do my workmasturbate in the mail room.Your comment does not really fit in with all the rest around here, and I’d gladly watch you figure it out
100%
Unfortunately, looking angry makes us more stressed over time. Still, worth it if I don’t have to talk to anyone
Sounds like a good stand up comedy bit
strict ≠ abusive
The difference can often be negligible to a child’s eyes depending on how ‘strict’ lessons are worded or otherwise expressed. If it is always with scolding after a lack of instruction turned in to idle entertainment that went awry, it sometimes doesn’t really matter how relevant the information was.
My parents weren’t abusive but I still learned all of these except ‘manipulate to calm down’…
This one hits a little too close to home…
Also, the word you’re looking for might be “abusive” rather than “strict”.
Extreme strictness is a form of abuse. These symptoms are particular, though not individually exclusive, to strictness. As long as you “behave” you avoid the material effects of the abuse. Other forms of abuse typically have fewer “rules” that can be used as safeguards.
The word you’re looking for . . .
Might be, but almost certainly is not.
It 100% is.
My parents were abusive in this way.
My wife and I are strict. There is a huge difference.
A girl I knew in high school had parents that didn’t let her do very much. She got pregnant her first semester of undergrad. I think she also experimented with some drugs, but I don’t have first hand knowledge of that, just rumors.
That’s not strict, that’s abusive.
- How to be attentive to one’s surrounds
- How To project effort
- conflict resolution
- Extemporaneous creative modeling
Resume Ahh comment
What the fuck does “ahh” mean in this context? I can’t grok this one.
Search engines are free to use.
No, don’t do that when it’s something so niche, it’s cringe and disrespectful. Most people probably assume it’s a typo.
Jeff Goldblum impersonator
I apologize. I shouldn’t have been rude about it.
I appreciate that, no worries.
Ahh
Self-censoring is cringe
Every time I read it, I just see it like the momentary pauses that President Obama made in his speeches. Makes it a little more interesting.
I enjoy using slang. Sue me.
Ok, Susan.
As the other person said, it really depends on what people mean by “strict”.
My parents were “strict” in that they enforced a bed time. Now I have better than average sleeping habits. So that worked out.
But I’ve also read about “strict” parents that, like, take doors off their kids rooms, or read the kids private messages, or other nightmares
Yeah, my parents made us leave our cell phones on the kitchen counter so they could read our texts every night, and they installed software on our computers that took screenshots every 5 seconds.
I wonder why I have issues with authority figures and privacy?
You had a cell phone as a child? Musta been nice. I had no door on my bedroom doorframe and wasn’t aloud out of the house except under rare circumstances.
Didn’t mean I was willing to follow the rules. All that strictness caused me to simply rebel to all authority figures. Seriously, ask me my opinions about police or the government. Lol.
My folks were technology skeptics and limited access to screens. We had strict allotments of time to access electronics.
This taught us how to game the rules and make up arguments to justify our discretions.
They were also lawyers, so we walked into the first trap.
As someone who was raised in a firmly careered household (engineering though) it’s always interesting to see other variations on it.
The video games in my house were downstairs, and one time I did a “Can I go downstairs?” instead of “Can I play video games?” when I knew they didn’t want me playing more games. Thought it was a clever loophole. Only worked the one time, but got jokingly referenced for the next ten years.
Had my door taken off for playing my music too loud… Translation: We can’t yell across the house for you to “come here”.
Anecdotal observation from college: Lots of people got hammered on a weekend, at least sometimes, but the people who couldn’t draw a line and keep it from destroying their grades were mostly the ones whose parents kept them rigidly controlled at home. It seemed like those folks had no practice in drawing their own lines because their parents always drew the lines for them, so when they were on their own they went nuts. The preacher’s daughter is a cliche with a lot of truth.
What does “the preacher’s daughter” refer to?
There’s a cliche about the daughter of the preacher being a total slut or otherwise problematic.
The “Preacher’s Daughter” is a trope in a lot of media wherein the daughter of the local religious leader tends to be more likely to be a promiscuous troublemaker.
I’ve seen this myself too
These are all invaluable survival skills, NGL.
It’s the resulting FFF hairtrigger readiness that’s fucking hell on the psyche, though.
What is FFF?
Fight/Flight/Freeze (though, some even add Fawn to that)
Aww, fawn! 🥹
Yeah, as a survivor of related experiences, finding out the latter two’d been recently added to this alliterative device was, frankly, a coldly epiphanous experience. 😅🤓
Ah, okay. I thought you were UAPWE. I was right 👍🏻
I am neither a writer nor an editor, though I certainly would prefer to be united (much less “international”, for that matter). 😶
Not if I constantly dissociate, self medicate, and avoid people to the point where I literally didn’t process the threat.
Sounds like processing the threat happened, NGL.
I may just be stuck on an old one then.
